someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
