Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
