if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
