You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
