To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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