I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
