Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
