What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
