Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Every concussion has its silver lining
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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