It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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