I'm going to rape someone's good day.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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