Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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