I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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