Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
