Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
