I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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