thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Randomize
