and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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