my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
