I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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