I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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