id be glad to
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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