the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
