your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
