Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
