be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
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