I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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