Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
