i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
