I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
