The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
