I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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