C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
