Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
