Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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