I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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