I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
