I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
