the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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