Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
