So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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