chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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