I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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