He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
