u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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