I will die if light touches me.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
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