if i can run in heels then i can drive
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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