I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
