Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
