Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Randomize
