: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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