I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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